Dante's Shopping fiasco
by DisturbedDemon
Summary: ...shopping isn't as simple for half demon warriors as it is for humans, you see...
1. Default Chapter

Me no own diddly poo. No sue.  
  
The local, ghetto, Chow Mart was a fairly peaceful place to get your monthly shopping done. (Only 3-4 heists a week.) That is, until a handsome and somewhat mentally unstable demon slayer made his office in a near by abandoned strip joint and renamed it: DEVIL MAY CRY. (which sounds a lot better then "Skirt central.")  
  
Dante had never been much for shopping. Once in a while he would pick up a stick of gum at the gas station but that was about it. He was your typical Take out man. Pizza and alcohol suited him just fine; however, Trish was a little pickier.  
  
She did not find an occasional snickers bar a rare and fancy delicacy, nor did she find cold pizza morning, noon and night 'scrumptious' every time. And then there were the delivery dreams. The awful disturbing nightmares where she would find herself awake with a startled jumps screaming: "Thirty- five dollars?!"  
  
Such phrases as: "Lets got out to eat tonight," "I am starving," or "I can no longer feel the ach in my stomach because it is eating itself." had no effect on Dante's dinner plans. His most responsive reply had been: "Lick a head. There are plenty on the wall, Trish."  
  
Now, don't think that Trish was just a lazy, female demon. She had tried to shop on various occasions. Her most recent try had been at Freadricksons where she had inadvertently tossed a shopping cart at the clerk and ran out into the street screaming about destruction and mayhem.  
  
And on this particular night... it would be Dante's turn.  
  
Dante sat working at his desk peacefully looking over job offers as Trish wandered into the room and slammed her fist onto the desk, causing a narrow crack to run through out the wood. "What?" He mumbled irritably; his gaze still focused on the papers below.  
  
Apparently, In Trish's mind, no more discussion was needed. Dante was flung out the door, into the rain without another word from his forceful house guest. Trish's head peeked out of the door; her eyes twitching. He looked up from the mud he was laying in with amusement. "It's your turn to get out there and get me some food! Pizza does not classify as the four food groups in one." Her face drew a gentle shade of green. "just thinking about that god-awful stuff makes me want to vomit!"  
  
Her head disappeared from the doorway enthusiastically.  
  
"Oh...so sick! I'm thinking about it right now! Better hurry, Dante!"  
  
"Shopping? How am I supposed to go shopping at a time like this. Do you have any idea how much public property destruction in hell costs, Trish?"  
  
"Maybe I should start with your chair!" the sounds of false vomit echoed within Dante's office.  
  
"Alright, I'll go." Dante stood up solemnly and rubbed away some mud that was sliding down his red pants, as he did so his wallet flew out the window and abruptly hit him in the forehead. Trish watched him hop on to his motorcycle in anticipation. "Get some thin fast bars."  
  
"Yeah, yeah..."  
  
Parking his motorcycle, Dante looked up at the huge red letters hanging over him. "CHOWMART" it read. He hated shopping. This could be due to any of the fallowing reasons: He always had to put up a fight about bringing his weapon in, people stared at him constantly, and there were to many decisions to make. (Who needs 500 brands of cereal? hell, they all taste the same, anyway.)  
  
He glumly grabbed a cart and headed toward the doors. Of coarse they automatically swung open and made him jump back. He hated those damn things. Every time he had to go through one he was SURE that some huge monster would come flying at him with full speed, ready to eat his head.  
  
"Sir?" "Eh?" He spun around to notice a small, one armed, lady clerk looking at him. "I don't believe you can take that in here." She pointed at the large sword hanging from his back. "If you give it to me slowly I can take it to the back counter and you can...aw, pick it up on the way out." Her expression was surprisingly calm considering...  
  
Dante twitched. "This sword drove through my torso and pinned me to the ground for several agonizing minutes. If you think I will just hand it over to some weak mortal your wrong." gumballs went flying as he shattered a near by candy machine with his aggravated fist.  
  
The girl made no more comments. She ran through the sliding doors and into her car. She would be damned if she would have to sit through another high jacking of the chow mart. She had been fired at seven to many times! (Hence the lost arm. That had been a very big gun.)  
  
Dante continued into the colorful and somewhat sickening fruit section. Everything was so.... bright. He nonchalantly knocked some oranges into his cart, fallowed by a coconut. Trish liked cocoa nuts... at least she like pina coladas... and those were like cocoa nuts right?  
  
He stared over at a near by pineapple. Maybe she would make some pina coladas...no, She couldn't cook. Never mind. It would turn out tasting like pure vodka no matter what she put into it.  
  
A disgusted look fell over Dante's face. How can someone make chocolate mild taste like vodka?  
  
"Hey, sir, you alright?" He turned to see another clerk stacking apples. "You look sick." Dante looked down at his shopping cart in pain. "All I wanted was some takeout pizza...and yet, I'm here. I'm here in this hellhole, with all you stupid people who can't just leave me alone. Just watch...with my luck some red portal will appear and I will have to fight off a bunch of marionettes to save you people. I will never get my shopping done.... All I wanted was a pizza, Just one pizza."  
  
"Aw.... well, the frozen food section is that way." He pointed to the right. "I believe they have some frozen pizza over there."  
  
Dante's eyebrows lifted. "They have frozen pizza here?" He smiled faintly and darted off to investigate, joy obvious in his macho run.  
  
Yes...the frozen food section was marvelous. It was a wonderland for Dante. Everything seemed to co exist in this miraculous section of edible items! Bean burritos with, Oh! Different flavors! Bean and cheese! Bean and beef! Been and green pepper! He grabbed a few of each and knocked them into the cart with about fourteen frozen pizzas.  
  
"Its not delivery, its Bonjorno." He smirked and looked down at the cart tossing in a potpie for Trish, which landed among the cocoanut and perpetually smashed oranges. Potpies were healthy as far as he knew. It had peas in it. Peas are vegetables, right? Yeah, it looked healthy, not to mention fancy. Like a real dinner.  
  
Then...he spotted it... Vanilla swirl Ice Cream; the last box of vanilla swirl ice cream. "Mmmm..." he murmured. "I haven't had that in while..." He began to move toward the ice cream when another thing caught his eye; a small pudgy woman also eyeing the delicious frozen desert.  
  
They stared at each other for a moment, daring one another to go for it; go for the splendid and rare dessert. Suddenly, the piggly woman jumped through the air at tremendous speed! Her plump little body beat Dante by about 5 seconds! She snorted in happiness as the box fell into her stubby little grasp, a droplet of drool falling to the floor. "Hee, hee, hee, hee."  
  
Thinking she had one fair and square, she turned and began to leave, but Dante wasn't going to have that...  
  
Oh no, couldn't have that.  
  
With a slight growled he jumped at her, Swooping her feet out from under her. She slid onto the linoleum with a short-lived "Snorph!" And then tried to wriggle away. "Hand it over! You know what I want!" "Nnoooo!" she squealed, "Its mine, you psycho!"  
  
Their small war raged for about 20 minutes. She would occasionally slip away only to be recaught, or snap at Dante with her foaming mouth. Dante would simply look at her in disbelief and go back to retrieving the ice cream he loved so much.  
  
He almost had the cold box, the vanilla swirl was in his reach, but then the woman's high heel entered Dante's eye with a 'pop' "GWRAA!" he yelled, in absolute pain. Finally she had a clear shot and sunk her teeth into his hand. He screeched in agony once again and then finally gave up. She squeezed away out under her captor and bounced a bit, then got to her feet and ran directly for the check out line in a frantic mass, leaving Dante panting on the floor...  
  
Sure, Dante could take out wraiths, nobodies, puppets, other demons and Mundus himself, but NEVER would he come between a fat woman and her junk food again. 


	2. sigh missing pizza

When his strength was back Dante wondered about. What to get now... He looked at the bakery. He tossed a box of doughnuts; loaf of bread and a cake into his cart (smashing the oranges beyond return.) the cake made a small "Sloosh" as it fell upside down and sat on the fruit and pizzas.  
  
The cleansing products were intriguing to Dante. He picked up a bottle of strawberry shampoo as he passed and tossed into his cart. (No one witnessing this could be sure why a big, muscular, slayer would be interested in "sensational strawberry apple" shampoo...maybe he thought it was a type of yogurt, maybe Trish was stinky, maybe he was just tossing random objects into the shopping cart, but I doubt it was for his own use. Though his hair smelt like monster intestines, the fact of the matter was... it would always smell like monster intestines. Even if he was able to make it smell like "Sensations...whatever" he would just go kill creatures anyway and come homes smelling the same. Poor Dante would never be deliciously smelly.  
  
The half demon warrior stopped and looked at his cart for a moment. "Now...burritos, aw, oranges...pizza, bread, cake, potpie, doughnuts, cleansing product. I'd say that's pretty damn nutritious." Though this DID sound very nutritious in Dante's mind he didn't want to come home with things Trish didn't like. He had seen commercials for...health...food. Aw...Cornflakes.  
  
So, it was off to the cereal isle. Dante stopped abruptly. It seemed to go on forever, only to stop at the section of cereal 'bars' Though this spelt out impending doom, Dante, being a brave demon, entered anyway...  
  
Also in the cereal Isle was the clerk who had previously been stacking apples. He had been appointed (to his misfortune) to now arrange the Count Chocula cereal that had just been restocked.  
  
Dante looked through the loop fruits and health brands in despair. "And they want you to just pick one? WHO NEEDS THIS SELECTION!?" The clerk, (name tag reading mike.) Looked up for a moment, but then went back to his job, though he was working with much more enthusiasm now. Oh god...when would this nut case be leaving?  
  
Dante stopped, pausing in front of the cereal and curiously lifted up a box of cheerios. "Do...these really lower cholesterol?" "What?" The clerk looked up at the tall white haired man. "How should I know?" He shrugged and went back to his work muttering "Psycho" just audible enough for Dante's demon ears to catch.  
  
With lightening quick speed the young clerk found himself pushed forcefully into the cereal he had previously stacked. "Look.... MIKE!" Dante screamed, "Lets say, for just a moment, I AM a psycho! This particular PSYCHO wants to know if these little O's really lower cholesterol! Well...DO THEY?!"  
  
Before the frightened clerk cloud answer he was tossed out of the way. Apparently the Count Chocula Puffs had caught Dante's attention. He stood, mouth gaping for a moment. Then unsheathed his humongous sword in complete insanity. "Count...Chocula?!" He swung his sword, causing the coco breakfast cereal to fly all about the isles. "YOU PEOPLE SUPPORT THE FORCES OF HELL NOW!?" He let out a large and mangled roar. "Do you all WANT hellish creatures to eat your children and destroy the earth! That only caused more jobs for me to take care of! More of your PATHETIC PROBLEMS to fix! MWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Now puffs of chocolaty goodness were flying all about Mike the clerk. Over in the neighboring Isle a woman screamed in surprise as a count chocula crisp flew into her left eye.  
  
Dante paid no attention. He just continued on his rampage until every box was in pieces. Then, in utter disgust mind you, he pushed the shelf over, tossed his shopping cart into a near by chip rack and stomped back to the frozen section to grab a potpie and get the hell out of the Chow mart. Screw his previous items. TRISH COULD DEAL WITH A POTPIE.  
  
Now in frenzy, Dante swung the door of the freezer open (and broke the glass abruptly due to his force.) He swiped a potpie, little pizzas and pack of Popsicles that looked 'yummy.' and ran off eccentrically to the express line.  
  
There he stood.  
  
Crisps of chocolate cereal sitting happily in his milky white hair,  
  
Listening to a baby cry and cry and cry,  
  
Listening to the beep of the cash register,  
  
Thinking about the demonic cereal,  
  
Stress level rising to the nine thousands,  
  
And Both eyes were now twitching  
  
Just.... one...big...endless.... convulsion.  
  
Dante only needed a dribble of drool running down his chin to look like a complete LUNATIC. All patients that he had previously had now sat with the smashed oranges and upside down cake in the cart of chips. This store WOULD be obliterated. He would blow it sky high and then pee.... all over the ashes of Chow Mart. Dante's lip curved up as he thought about it, a small chuckle rose from his mouth which would have broke into hysterical laughter if his thoughts of urinating on a pile of cinders where once the Chow mart stood weren't interrupted by the cashier.  
  
"Sir, do you have a Chow Value card?" Dante looked manically at the young boy behind the cash register. "A what?!" "A...chow value card...it saves you money." Dante sat there blankly for a moment then pointed his chocolate coded weapon at the checker. "I HAVE THIS! START DOING SOME SAVING GODDAMNIT!"  
  
his total -for pizza, potpie and Popsicles- came up 2.00. no one planned on charging him the real price with out the value card. He was crazy and all Chow mart wanted to was make him leave. Everyone in the store gave a huge sigh of relief after nervously bagging his items and watching his walk away irritably.  
  
Now, you'd think that Dante would get a break, you'd think that he has had enough awful things happen to him -but no.- he cant even go shopping for the moment he walked out of the store a Toyota hit him. His body flew about 51/2 feet and landed with a thud on the pavement, but more importantly, his food went sprawling out across the parking lot.  
  
The driver quickly exited the car to take a look at the would-be road kill that is until; it stood up and howled in fury. "GRAAWWW!" The Toyota went flying into the side of the grocery store, knocking the coca cola machine over and causing a series of explosions in the electronic horsy ride (not to mention scaring many of the customers that were INSIDE the store.) Everything in the car seemed to go off at once with only agitated the hysterical Dante further and with a large blue wave of light the car exploded into oblivion. The scrawny teenager grabbed his hair and looked at the burning rubble in fear.  
  
"My moms gunna KILL me!"  
  
Dante spun around twitching in all direction, on the breaking point of sanity. "YOUR MOM!? YOUR MOM? IM SCARIER THEN YOUR MOM!" apparently the teen believed him, because he went running frantically off into nowhere to escape the sword flinging maniac.  
  
Around this time, a frail red haired woman was walking briskly out of the store. She tried her best not to make eye contact with the homicidal half demon, who sat picking up his items in despair. She figured it would be much better just to ignore him and go about her own business, unfortunately for her.... this was not an option.  
  
When Dante had saw her and her two nicely intact bags of food he had come to the conclusion that walking over, taking her things and hoping on his motorcycle would be much more easy and make Trish much more happy. He accomplished this conclusion too with only a knee to the groin and stab wound from a pen she had been carrying. Little had he known this was also the woman who's eye socket had been invaded with a coco puff from the count chocula fiasco. (and later on in the day lost vision in her left eye presently. DAMN those chocolate cereals.)  
  
Dante got home and quickly collapsed into his chair (which yes, was clear of Trish vomit.) He proceeded to look through the groceries with Trish. Cat food, wheat bread, some half price cheese, instant pudding, coffee mix, bananas and an issue of Martha Stewit living. Not to bad...could have been worse.  
  
Dante sat down, Martha Stewit living magazine in hand and picked a chocolate flake out of his hair. It really wasn't to bad for something advertised by hell. *Munch, munch, and munch.... *  
  
Once again, go ahead and review if you wish. Knock yourselves out. -Hey, even you flamers- what is with you flamers anyway? Do you...just have nothing else to do? Are you mean and bitter old men? Are you just ppl with your hearts rotting away to a pile of mucus? Well, whatever the cause make sure you make um' nice and juicy this time. Give me something to read. ~Thanks to you nice ppl, though. Its great to know not everyone disserves to be eliminated. 


End file.
